Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Permission.

It's when I forget and then remember, when it hurts the most. And tonight, I am thankful for someone to hold me and someone to reassure me that it is okay to hurt and okay to feel the things that I am feeling. That this too, is normal. Because sometimes, none of this feel like it should be normal. And sometimes, none of this is. None of these things are things that people talk about, and none of these things are things that feel okay to talk about, because sometimes, none of these feelings make sense.

It is hard to be caught in the middle, to be happy and sad at the same time, to be grateful for the present but overwhelmed by the before, to be so incredibly in love but to also grieve where love was lost. It is hard because there is not even a title for your loss. I'm sure this happens to other people too, I am sure that somewhere out there someone feels the same way I do and that somewhere out there, someone hurts the way I do. I know this, I know this is my heart and in the moments of overwhelming grief that I am not alone. But how do you even google for familiarity when there is not a name for it.

I tell him that it's like keeping a deep dark secret, this place of being lost and sad, this place of feeling these feelings and having to keep it to yourself. And he tells me that it's all in my head, these judgements that I think people will make and these judgements that sometimes people do. He tells me, just let them judge, because you are safe here with me. In this bond, and in our world, you are safe and I will not judge, will not tell you how to act or what to feel, will not tell you that you are less. You are not 70% off clearance rack, you are beautiful and you are couture, you are more than worth regular price, you are immeasurable.

I don't define you by this, and sometimes, even I too forget. Until moments like these, until moments where it hits you like a freight train out of nowhere and you are sliced open and vulnerable. That place where you go, that place of so much hurt and so much pain and all I want for you to remember is who you are. Who you have become and who you are becoming. I want to remind you that sunshine comes after the rain, I want to remind you that there is a plan in the madness of becoming, I want to remind you of healing. And that this too, shall pass.

This, is normal. These feelings, these moments of intense grieving, is normal. So maybe it comes every now and then, so maybe even after ten years or twenty it might still hit you once it a while. It doesn't discredit where you are in life. It doesn't discredit your joys and your triumphs, it doesn't discredit your wins and your nows, it doesn't discredit your healing. It doesn't make you ungrateful and it doesn't mean you begin again at one, it just means you got the sails taken out of you for a while. A releasing of the cauldron of emotions and triggers that build up over time, and that too, is okay.

I will remember to be kind to myself. I will remember to be a friend to myself. I will remember to tell my heart the things that I would tell someone else, that this is not the definition of who you are, and this is not a failure. This is being human. This is what loss looks like and feels like and there is no time frame on grief. Allow yourself the vulnerability of grieving, allow yourself the permission to feel the things you feel...and when you do, when you let go and unclench, you will realize how much better you feel. That this was the very thing you needed.


"Be what you are. This is the first step toward becoming better than you are."
~ August W. Hare