Monday, October 15, 2012

235 days.

Princess cakes and post-it treasure hunts are the best! :)

Dear sweetheart,

It's 235 days till our official wedding ceremony. There is something so sacred and special about standing in front of friends and family vowing to love you for the rest of my life. I am so ridiculously excited and I curse myself for setting the longest engagement in the history of ever. :) But yet, the perfectionist in me, and the leading force behind this decision is grateful for this time to plan, to anticipate, to account for and to perfect every last detail. I am overwhelmed and giggly, I am loving this and enjoying the madness of it all.

I love how you patiently and smilingly support me in all my crazy. As I drag you to different kampungs in opposite directions (thanks to my awesome sense of direction) to look for the obscure  shop that six thousand people have recommended or some elusive thing I saw on Pinterest that I feel I need or can put together. You drive me, and you smirk as you raise your eyebrows and I take you on another wrong turn, or I squeal at the perfect shade of blush that all just looks like some sort of pink to you and roll your eyes as I tell you OH MY GOD JOE OH MY GOD YES! :)

And in one of our dates, you tell me you're worried if I feel alone in my crazy. You are worried if I mistake you letting me do my thing as you not being interested. And out of nowhere, you apologize and you commit to being more proactive at planning the wedding. You worry that you are not being supportive enough because you don't know all the details. I laugh and I give you the biggest hug in the world because I tell you that this is exactly why I love you. I love that you take care of me, and my feelings. I love that you want to be so much more and that you want to be everything I have ever wanted or needed. I love that you try, again and again, you try. I love that we are learning to grow together, I love that this is a constant lesson in being the best that we can be.

I reassure you that you can let me obssess over the details while you silently support me. Whether it's just listening to me work through a decision as I weigh pros and cons and change my mind sixteen times in between. If it is you taking a Saturday morning or a Monday afternoon to drive me somewhere because I suck at it or if it is you rubbing my back and laughing at me because I am crying again at another silly wedding video and you hold me to remind me that you love me. I am happy to do this, I am happy to throw myself head first into this, it is something I enjoy and I value you supporting me even when you don't even know that this is what you are doing. Besides, I am positive the idea of four hour wedding planning meetings deciding things like whether the ruffles on our linens line up horizontally or vertically will make you want to stab your eye out the way ironing makes me feel. :P

And just in case I don't tell you enough. I love you. I am blessed to have you in my life, I am blessed by the lessons you have taught me and I am blessed by this journey we are committed to taking together. You have watch me come into my own and I am so ridiculously proud of who you are becoming and all that you are. You are a rockstar and you are my hero. You have made moving halfway across the world effortless and seamless. And when you get homesick and feel a little silly, I want to hold you closer and remind you how incredibly strong you are. You are doing what I struggled to do for a year. You inspire me and you dare me to dream bigger, love stronger, fight harder, be a better person. You make me want to be a better person. I am kinder, more patient, more forgiving, and your love has taught me to appreciate all the little things.

I am strangely and sensitively aware of how much you mean to me and how quick time passes, I am afraid of all that can happen, of all the accidents and all the things that can go tragically wrong in a blink of an eye. This ferocious protectiveness is so foreign and so familiar all at the same time. I have to remind myself to take a step back and let you live your life even as I cautiously try to reign in the fears of all the unknown. I am not sure why this is happening, or why I am suddenly so acutely aware of this. At times, I know this is so much my scars talking more than reality, and just knowing and acknowledging this calms me down.

Still no on the rented scooters in Bali though. :)

We have been taking our pre-marital course, and already, we are learning so much. I went into this knowing that this was something I wanted to do. This was something I felt passionately about, these tools and this almost insurance plan for our marriage. I love that you so wholeheartedly and genuinedly signed up for this. Thank you, for taking it seriously but most of all, for applying all that you have learned without even me having to push you! I am proud and in awe when I focus on you as my husband and the roles you will play. I am intensely curious as you open up and share random things and stories. Some completely unexpected but so eye-opening at the same time. I love that this "project" has allowed us the security and forced us to take time out to protect and intentionally create time to work on us. These conversations make me fall in love with you all over again. I like who you are, and love when we discover that so much of our values and thoughts allign. But most of all, I love that this time reminds me of when we were first starting to get to know each other and we just wanted to soak it all in. I feel like a little girl with the hugest schoolgirl crush, waiting excitedly for Wednesday date nights to come. The butterflies in my tummy because this time is so special for us. And I love the look you give me, the way you light up and the way you take control of our date nights and dinners. I love you Mr K, with everything I am and with everything that I will be.

This journey we are on blows my mind. I always, retardedly, naively, think I cannot possibly fall in love with you more, but you blow my mind, every. time. I think that this is the best, the best and most awesome and amazing it can possibly be. But then I am still shocked when I realize just how much deeper this love runs. This started out as just a letter to write you to encourage you and to remind you that I love you. But this is also a letter of gratefulness.

I am so grateful for you.

So much of love and dorkiness,
Mrs K

"I vow to help you love life, to always hold you with tenderness and to have the patience that love demands, to speak when words are needed and to share the silence when they are not, and to live within the warmth of your heart and always call it home."
~The Vow