Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Mind. Blown.

I think I need to sit somewhere quiet to process all that I learned and all that I discovered this summer. It is big and it is insane in a great way but it is also overwhelming to put into words. I want to talk about how incredibly special this experience was for me and how life-learning this short period in time was for us and was for me. We stretched, we reached, we imagined....we hoped, we dreamed, we uncovered...we courageously stepped forward and owned. We loved and then we loved even harder and stronger, we missed, we held on, we appreciated, and then we came a big huge full circle.

This summer, I learned how beautiful and soul-completing friendships are. This summer, I learned about loyalty and solidarity, I learned of holding up and holding on, I learned of paying it forward, of listening and sometimes just being there. I learned of how special a brilliant friendship is and I learned about being a friend and what makes a real friend. I learned to pick and choose and hold on and stay loyal, I learned to draw boundaries unselfishly, to be fair, to hold on, to always let your values and your integrity make the important decisions on life and to let it guide you. 

This summer, I learned what incredibly faithful god I have. How steadfast, and wise, and incredibly big he is. I learned how he has stood by me and carried me and listened when I was angry and lashing and so incredibly hurt by his plans, and how he comforted even as he knew these incredible plans he had in store. Instead of saying, you dumb ass, he walked with me and hurt with me and he understood. I think about how much my faith has grown, and how much more I stand secure in who I am and who my God is.   

I learned a life-changing lesson of how far I had come. It was in Dr Brown's office, reliving, retelling, realizing where I was and where I am now in a split second of signing in and registering. A big a-ha moment, even before we began. There is no way in hell I could have planned or even imagined this, there is no way that I would have thought that I would have forgiven, much less healed. There was no way to anticipate what love and what happiness would feel like. It was only a dream, only something that I prayed and wished and hoped for.....but if you asked me if I could have even fathomed what this would looked like, I would have said, you crazy fool. 

Unbroken, this trip reminded me how unbroken I was. Because for so long and for so many nights I thought that I was completely broken. That none of these pieces would ever fit again and that I would never be whole again, because that loss was so devastating and the deceit and the betrayal scarred me in such a way that I thought that there was no way of coming back from this. I thought that yes, I would be happy again, and yes, life would go on, and yes, I would find passion and love and these wounds would scar over but never in a million years would I have thought, that it would feel, look, be like this. That I would be happier than I've ever been, loved more that I ever even knew, be excited and passionate and throw myself all in to something without abandon but most of all, that I would be grateful. That I would be thankful this happened and even more than that, that if I could rewrite my life story, that I would rewrite this chapter of immense loss and heartache. Because it has led me here, it has led me here and there is still so much more to come. 

That blows my mind, because I think, holy shit, holy shit, please don't pinch me, please don't wake me up, please let this not be only a dream. 

You are my dream. You are my hopes and my wishes and all the unspoken prayers whispered when it was dark and no one was listening, because it feels so silly and so stupid to be filled with this much of want when the reality has been that it doesn't exist. You remind me of all that is good in the world, and you remind me all that I am capable of because you truly think I am unstoppable. You value my talents, and you see my gifts, you nurture my crazy, and when everything else fades, you love me with a love that is something only dreams are made of. 

It is the funny way and the comfortable silence of a car ride, the relaxing unabashed trust in each other to fart out loud and have a ridiculous dance-a-long to your favorite song that you only know the end lyrics and chorus to. It was the talking and the exploring and the coming together, the sharing of experiences and thoughts and the mark of a true friendship that supports and listens and encourages and says "me too".

It was slipping into this beautiful Vera Wang, this extravagant over-the-top princess dress that my mom and dad campaigned for and feeling so so special. It was the way Amie gasped and cried for this dream. It was the extra long hug and thank you stolen in between aisles and aisles of dresses with Rosemary, it was the acknowledgement of a dream coming true clashing with a "look how far we've come". I have never thought of myself as a princess, or a super girly-girl, but when they put that veil on, it was magical. It was everything you dream as a little girl, and in that moment, I felt so incredibly beautiful. 

I'm not even making this shit up. 

Because skeptical silly me reads this and says, are you fucking kidding me? Because this kinda stuff just doesn't happen in real life, it doesn't happen to me. I am a hopeless romantic but I am not a gushy unicorn pooping rainbows everything is perfect girl. But yet here I am, and I am overwhelmed and grateful all at once. 

It's fourth of july today, a day that has been so special to me for so many years. Because I am an arsonist at heart and fireworks just make me so incredibly happy. But yet, a quiet night of celebration, in a city that is so different and means so much, like a little secret as everyone else is oblivious to this day around us, a bottle of wine with my parents at a favorite restaurant, we toasted to Uncle Sam, and we toasted to 31 months. I missed the big ridiculous over the top display of exploding dynamite and showers of color timed to music, but I celebrated this moment. Of being with family, of being with the ones you love, of finally finding home and the reassurance that yes, this feels right, and we are comfortable, and we are holding on, and we will persevere. 

Because that's what he told me on one of our many hours in the car, that suddenly Springfield didn't feel like home anymore, that the ideal things you remember when you just want a great steak or to go to Target and pick up some random things, that it just doesn't fit anymore. That it feels weird to drive these same streets and go to all our favorite places but to just feel out of place. But instead, instead, we had found home a gazillion miles away, in a house full of noise and chaos and love, in relationships built on understanding and common ground, in places we have come to love and call our own. That he missed his drink man, or driving our "awesome" pos car, or our friends back home, and our weekends and our work. Malaysia somehow became home when we weren't looking, much a lot like this life, my dreams became reality when I didn't notice. And all of a sudden, we looked up and we were here. 

Fuck yes. 

"Its funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different."
~CS Lewis