Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Here I am.

So much has happened since the last time I wrote, so many magical, amazing, "this is it" moments. Moments that have inspired, moments that have made me fall into a sobbing grateful mess, moments of clarity and understanding and moving on.

I read this so so many months ago, and it was my light at the end of the tunnel. It was my saving grace, my something to look forward to, my hope and mantra that this would all end one day, that one day....I would be here.

And here I am.

"Here I am.

And I am neither alone or lonely. I'm not afraid. I'm not looking back. I'm not longing for what was.

I'm no longer saying good bye.

It's taken two years, but I'm here."

If you know me in real life, you would know that Mr K asked me to marry him in front of all our close friends and family with a beautiful ring and a lovingly thought out proposal. It wasn't fancy like helicopter parachutes and flash mob dances in the middle of Disney, but it was sweet, and thoughtful, and kind, and it involved all my favorite people. It was so me and so us and so good, but the best part came after, the celebration, the squeals, the tears of joy from different continents as we spread the good news. It was my fairy godmother shrieking and crying and laughing at the same time on Skype, it was my best friend saying fuck yeah I'm going to be your bridesmaid, it was the greatest support system just loving on us and hugging us with so many good wishes and I told you so's, and all the culmination of everything to here.

I talk and remind myself often of what an incredible God I have, and I am motivated on bad days of just how great "bad" things can turn around into amazing blow-your-mind things. At times, I am incredibly overwhelmed. Much like the 15 minutes after I walked in the door to everyone holding up a letter of "will you marry me?" and said yes and celebrated and walked away into the pool area where we were alone and he held me for a long time as I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. That, was my moment. My moment of aha! and ohmygod and thank you thank you thank you God. I was overwhelmed and embarrassed that I was overwhelmed, and as I collected myself to walk back in, my dad popped champagne and my brother gave a toast and my mom passed out pink cupcakes and my friends laughed and shared all the behind-the-scenes stories of last minute emergencies and creating the perfect rose petal heart or transporting 100 helium balloons and how Nick tried to blow up the house by placing some candles underneath the balloons.

There is always that temptation, that what if, you ask, what if you could turn back time? What if I didn't have to go through what I had to go through to get here? What if I had met Mr K earlier? What if?

But then I look at my life now and I think, I wouldn't change a thing.

And here I am, planning the wedding of my dreams with the man of my dreams.

For a laugh, we took out the list the Doran girls and I made fueled by wine and heartbreak one night of what I was looking for in a man. And I look at this list and I realize, he was the man I was praying for. And the kicker is, he was right under my nose all along, this nice sweet amazing man that is so much a part of my heart and my dreams. He was right here all along.

And it isn't all hunky dory perfect, we bicker, we hog the sheets and get irrationally upset over silly things. We are human, but there is a comfort, there is a new sense of commitment that began when we had our break. Both unsure, both uncertain about the future and the possibilities, I think those two weeks and everything after taught us so much about who we were as a couple and where we were going, it was the week we jumped all in and said, yes.

10,000 miles later and he is next to me, passed out from a long day of redesigning our offices and working on covers and liaising with printers, a long day of working side-by-side by my dad and brother, a long day where he has become a "local" ordering his favorite nasi goreng and teh o ais from the workers that get so excited when he comes and all stop to say hi to him. They are amused but what's nice is that he amuses them. He stops to say hi to his favorite drink maker, and says hi to the worker that stops by to take his order, or the other worker that's bummed because he didn't get to our table in time, he smiles back at the ladies that giggle as soon as he walks over, partly because he orders a variation of the same dish everyday, partly because he does this in malay, and partly because he is so tall and a gwei loh, and kind. He is kind, and I am proud.

He is quiet, and unassuming. He is happy to let me do the talking or take control, he is happy to just be my side and I am comforted with him there. He is my support when I am scared, when I get quiet and unsure, he holds my hand and say, we can do this. When I am freaking out, he reminds me of who I am, and when I am excited and ecstatic, he laughs with me.

We are silly together, and sometimes, I think, we fuel each other's crazy. We are life partners, traveling buddies, we are friends for life and I am so proud of us.

We fought hard to get here, on our own and together, we fought hard.

And I can only imagine what happens from here on out.

I am so grateful, grateful to be here, grateful for this man, grateful for all the lessons learned.

"What greater thing is there for human souls than to feel that they are joined for life- to be with each other in silent unspeakable memories."
~George Eliot