Monday, January 3, 2011

Speaking out.

It's the things that I have no words for or the things that I struggle to give words to. It's the stuff I want to brush aside and throw a big, huge, heavy carpet over and pretend it is not there. It is that heavy silence of a white elephant in the room and the awkward tension that fizzles and cracks and pops right along it. It is our fears and our hurt feelings and our expectations all colliding together in a whirlpool of highly charged emotions with no outlet battling against each other. It is the love that lies underneath it all that screams out loud to be heard and it is that love that stops us from finding our words and saying the hard and doing the hard. Because it is that love and the fear of hurt feelings and the fear of confrontation that pulls us back from where we would so very like to be.

And so we do this dance of pretending and side-stepping and praying, hoping, wishing, so desperately that this too shall come to pass, and this too will work itself out. Faking it until you make it except it is a cacophony of noises and missed connections and lives slipping by and living separate lives.

I struggle, to keep the balance, keep afloat. Because deep down inside, I know, that this is not where I wanted to be, this, this is not the me that I wanted to be. I wanted to be real, I wanted to be honest, I wanted to live the life I had imagined and build those relationships and find those relationships and never settle, never settle, never settle.

So you take deep breaths, and suck in all the fake courage you can muster and the words come spilling, spilling out. And suddenly you find yourself in a tidal wave of words and fears and hurt feelings and expectations all rushing, fighting, pushing and battling it out to just come out. Tell your truth.

But you're afraid, oh god, you're so very afraid, of losing the person, of severing not mending the relationship, of saying too much or not at all or not being so coherent or patient or gentle or tactful like you wanted to be because as always, when emotions get thrown into the mix, it all gets a little messy.

There's a strong part in you, the part that craves for stability and order, the part that craves to be safe and secure, the part that craves for black and white, that just wants this to just be sterile and white washed and organized. Emotionless, heartless, stay disconnected because disconnected people don't get hurt. Stay focused, be hard on yourself, find those checklists, and for godsakes, quit going by your gut and your heart and by how you feel.

But there's the other part, the lining of your soul that whispers, get dirty, get mad, be passionate, love, love, love. The part that takes all these battle wounds and say look at these scars, I mean really, look at them...they are beautiful and they are yours and they make you, you. These scars speak of amazing lessons learned and of courage and strength. These scars are the depths of your soul fighting fighting fighting to be true, to bask in the light, to be authentic and honest and real. These scars are an adoption into an inner circle of compassion and love, forgiveness and peace, kindness and grace. So live, for godsakes, live and don't fear the scars. Live and let go. Let go. Let go.


"Do work with all your heart and you will succeed."

~Elbert Hubbard