Monday, January 3, 2011

Soul food.

Worked on the decals in my room on New Year's day, a reminder that Life is Beautiful.

I remember why I came home, and I remember why this is so hard. I remember the lessons, I remember the little things, I remember to breathe.

And sometimes, it's so very hard. Especially when you least expect it. Because grief does that, it hits you unexpectedly and repeatedly, it sucks the air out of your lungs and suddenly, you're afraid, you're hurting, you're scared, you're devastated...all over again. It's hard to tell your heart the things your head knows. Like to be gentle with yourself, to forgive, to accept, to allow, to not beat yourself up for this moment of vulnerability.

To whisper, that it's okay to cry. Let go.

Embrace the moment, the hard parts, the parts that will break you but make so much more room to grow.

I thought I had the holidays in the bag, a ninja warrior, this time, this year, it would be different.

Because that was nineteen months ago. And all the healing, all the love, all the grace...surely, surely that would be enough.

It's the part where I have to let go of what and where I thought would be and embracing what it is, that is the hardest.

I grieve that dream.

Because I was so sure, so sure before it all happened that I knew exactly where I was heading and where I would be.

It was a video, of a little blonde girl opening up her presents on Christmas day that did it.

It was a new year, the looking back and the pressure to move forward that sucked me into that murky place of the unknown. The possibility, the insecurities, the desperate hope.

It was hard conversations of honest raw emotions and confronting the ugly.

It was saying, I am going to do better...and then actually having to do it. Having to speak out.
Of change, of having to say I will not be complacent and I will not be quiet about it, I will not hide, I will not pretend it's okay when it's not, I will not let it all happen again.

I will not let him happen again.

For so long after it happened, the intense emotion that kept on replaying and the thought bubble that screamed again and again was just the feeling of having felt so violated and that I let it happen.

And I was so angry, so angry and devastated and heartbroken for so long that when I moved to this place of forgiveness and healing and love, it was like night and day.

I could finally see what I so desperately longed to see.

The light at the end of the tunnel.

Friends are like soul food and I am so thankful, so grateful for the opportunities and the friendships and the people that help me find my center again.

The people that don't make me feel stupid for crying about feeling so incredibly vulnerable or heartbroken for the dreams that didn't pan out or for the life that I didn't live.

I am grateful for "the circle of no judgement".

I am grateful for honesty.
Even the brutal kind.

But most of all, I'm just grateful that I am here. Accepting. Acknowledging. Processing.

"Live! Don't settle! Grieve."

They are the voices in my head that fight back with love when I am at my least.

The ones that make me believe that I can do it.

I can do this. I can do this living and healing and moving on.

I can forgive and let go and stand up and fight back.

I can challenge the scared parts of me that want the easy and the comfortable and the lets-just-please-settle.

Thank you for listening to me process and whine and figure it out, even if the six hundred and seventy second time you've heard me.

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined."

~Henry David Thoreau