Saturday, January 22, 2011

Enough.



I did something big. I took the first step, something I contemplated all week and a decision that has been brewing and manifesting and maturing for weeks and months and years, and today, I woke up, and just did it. I put on a cute dress and some fabulous earrings, and I just did it.

I didn't let the fact that I have no sense of direction or that I was scared or that I had about six hundred and seventy two excuses just hanging out in the back of my head stop me. And for that, I was proud. I was excited. I was energized and nervous but I had my game face on and damnit, I was going to do this.

I told maybe six people, I whispered it but I didn't want to make it a big deal. Not until I was sure, not until I signed the dotted line and not until it was a reality, I didn't say much, and so when I came home and told them the-big-thing-but-let's-pretend-it's-a-small-thing thing I did, the pride and love in their not-so-many-words-so-they-don't-freak-me-out, made my heart smile. Like fireworks, cloud nine, I am fucking awesome, smile.

I did it!

This year is so much about rising to the challenge and doing the things I think I cannot. It's believing in myself and believing in the journey. It's letting go of the fears and digging deep, holding on, and trusting that this is possible. That I am possible. That the me that I am so desperate to be is already here.

I am enough.

And I think that's the thing I've always struggled with. That's the part that I've always let life beat me down with, the what ifs, the could have beens, the should have beens. I love the safe and I love the you go ahead and I'll follow, I love the hold my hand and walk with me. But when we fell apart and when he didn't come back, I realized that all that's left that's holding me back is me.

I am all that's stopping me and if I don't try, if I don't believe, if I don't just start living, then I am never going to get there. Not even a little, not even halfway, but no where. I could wait and I could plan for the ideal and the perfect, but in the end, that is all that it is, a plan. A could have been, a should have been, a what if.

The big thing I did today? I did it for me and that was my thing, but I still missed him all the same.

I missed and I wished we were doing it together, and I wished things were so very different. The temptation is there to just crawl into a hole and lick my wounds but I cannot, I must not, because life goes on and the lesson is in learning to make the best damn lemonade life hands you.

And so that's what I'm doing. Making lemonade. Getting my Master's and setting up shop and meeting new people and trying new things. But it doesn't change the fact that today and last night especially, I missed him.

And some part of me is angry, and some part of me is heartbroken, and some part of me is sad and upset. But I'm not going to let those parts define me and I'm not going to let those parts eat me up or eat up the good. Because what we had was special, and it would be so easy to trash, so easy to play the blame game, so easy to say the yucky things people say when they're hurt.

But I won't.

He deserves more than that.

Today, was a big day,

and today, I missed him so incredibly much.

But the bigger picture, if I choose to embrace the alternate instead of a chocolate pudding woe is me pity party, is that today, I learned what I could do.

I learned that the me that I am, and the me alone, was enough.

And that,

that made today, a great day.

Mmmm...lemonade.


Sent from my iPhone


"Your heart just breaks, that's all. But you can't judge, or point fingers. You just have to be lucky enough to find someone who appreciates you."

~Audrey Hepburn