Monday, January 10, 2011

breathe.


I’m afraid of the crash, the inevitable crash that will come when my heart understands the hard decision my head made. The right decision, the needed decision, the justified, at-peace, honest decision I made.


I broke someone’s heart today, today I chose me. Today I chose my needs, today I chose to say that this wasn’t enough, that what we had and where our relationship was taking us, wasn’t enough. Today, I let an incredible, amazing, genuine, real, man-of-my-dreams, check-off-my-list, man go. Today, I realized and read and read and read again and again my words and knew, in my gut and in my soul, that this was the best decision for us right now. That despite everything, despite the soul-crushing, devastating, change in path and hurt, hurt, hurt, that this will cause, that I let someone amazing go because I needed to go find my light. Because I needed to believe in myself. Because I needed to believe in my dream.


I only have words, only a list of needs and wants, only a gut feeling of needing to walk away because this is not something I can fix. Not something I can control or organize, as much as I so desperately want to, we are both not where we need the other to be.


I need to get him. And I don’t, and I didn’t, until a friend played devil’s advocate and explained and explained the whys and the hows. I saw, and understood, and I get that he’s trying and he does have every good intention, I just needed him to be able to explain it to me. I needed him to be able to tell me all those things. I needed to connect, to find calm in the middle of the storm, to get on the same page, to communicate, to be heard, to be understood...with him.


And it is knowing that we can’t do that together, not at this point in time, that I am at peace with this decision. As hard as it is, it is knowing that we are very different people in very different stages of our lives with very different ways of handling things that we are missing each other. That we’re just not working.


But I will say, I will go to bat, I will fight and tell you it was all real. The love, the love was always real. And there’s a part of me that’s going to miss him so incredibly much, a side of my bed that will be empty, and an eight feet tall shower head, or a glass of sweet tea that will make my heart hurt for him. I know, that there are times that I will so desperately wish that we made it, that we worked it out, that we met in the middle and lived happily ever after. And I will grieve the future we hoped for, I will grieve all the things we wanted and our life that we had imagined.


I will grieve again and again.


And when it’s over, and when I am scared and panicked and alone, I will work on getting back up and doing it all over again. I will work on doing the hard work and staying true to myself and being honest. I will work on learning to be a better person, a better girlfriend, a better friend.


I will work on being the best that I can be.


And maybe he will too.


And maybe someday, we’ll meet again.


And maybe someday, it’ll work out then.


Breathe.



---



"It was my fault too. Did I remember to tell you that? Well, it was. I had a hand in this, I played a part in this, this falling out, this breaking apart, this choice. I had a part in it, and it was my fault too.


I got scared too.


I miss you already. I miss the parts of you that was so much a part of me. I miss the parts of you that I didn't even realize were there. I miss the parts of you that was a part of my past, my present, my future. I miss the wishes, and hopes, and dreams that was you, that was us, that was ours. I miss you.

And some part of me, the part of me that believes in fairy tales and happily ever afters, the part of me that loves chick flicks and happy endings, the part of me that is naive and silly and gets me into trouble, that part, that part wishes you came back.

That part wishes you said, I get it. I get it and I get you and I understand.

That part wishes you said, fuck no, we can do this, we can do us, and I believe us, and even if it's all kinds of crazy and hard and insane we're going to keep fighting anyway. I'm going to keep fighting anyway.


That part wishes you could be the man beneath all the layers of safe and guarded.

Because this part misses you. and this part realizes that you had everything in the world to be the one. You had all the things I needed and all the things I wanted buried deep within, I just needed you to take a chance, to trust me, to let go.


I just needed you to take a leap of faith.

So that, that is why we can't be together.

Because I'll always be here and you'll always be there. I'll always want something more and you'll always be happy to just be still.

The more I push, the more you'll pull back, the more I'm scared, the more you'll scare me, the more I'll need you, the more you'll disappear.

And in the back of my mind, in the whispers of my soul, I wish that someday you'll find me. I wish that someday, you'll grow and learn and get brave, and you'll be here,
and we will be unstoppable.


That years from now, after all this soul searching and imbalance and questioning is over, when we're more confident, more sure, more certain of who we are, what we want in life, and where we want to be, that we will find each other.

Because I see so much in you, I see the gentle and the kind and the real, I see the honest and the scared, scared, scared, and the stubborn and all the could be's.

But I can't live in a world of could be's.

Could be's get me in trouble.

I need the right now, my head knows this, my reality knows this.

I know it.

I just wish it was all so so different. "




"[A] final comfort that is small, but not cold: The heart is the only broken instrument that works."

~T.E. Kalem