Saturday, January 22, 2011

Enough.



I did something big. I took the first step, something I contemplated all week and a decision that has been brewing and manifesting and maturing for weeks and months and years, and today, I woke up, and just did it. I put on a cute dress and some fabulous earrings, and I just did it.

I didn't let the fact that I have no sense of direction or that I was scared or that I had about six hundred and seventy two excuses just hanging out in the back of my head stop me. And for that, I was proud. I was excited. I was energized and nervous but I had my game face on and damnit, I was going to do this.

I told maybe six people, I whispered it but I didn't want to make it a big deal. Not until I was sure, not until I signed the dotted line and not until it was a reality, I didn't say much, and so when I came home and told them the-big-thing-but-let's-pretend-it's-a-small-thing thing I did, the pride and love in their not-so-many-words-so-they-don't-freak-me-out, made my heart smile. Like fireworks, cloud nine, I am fucking awesome, smile.

I did it!

This year is so much about rising to the challenge and doing the things I think I cannot. It's believing in myself and believing in the journey. It's letting go of the fears and digging deep, holding on, and trusting that this is possible. That I am possible. That the me that I am so desperate to be is already here.

I am enough.

And I think that's the thing I've always struggled with. That's the part that I've always let life beat me down with, the what ifs, the could have beens, the should have beens. I love the safe and I love the you go ahead and I'll follow, I love the hold my hand and walk with me. But when we fell apart and when he didn't come back, I realized that all that's left that's holding me back is me.

I am all that's stopping me and if I don't try, if I don't believe, if I don't just start living, then I am never going to get there. Not even a little, not even halfway, but no where. I could wait and I could plan for the ideal and the perfect, but in the end, that is all that it is, a plan. A could have been, a should have been, a what if.

The big thing I did today? I did it for me and that was my thing, but I still missed him all the same.

I missed and I wished we were doing it together, and I wished things were so very different. The temptation is there to just crawl into a hole and lick my wounds but I cannot, I must not, because life goes on and the lesson is in learning to make the best damn lemonade life hands you.

And so that's what I'm doing. Making lemonade. Getting my Master's and setting up shop and meeting new people and trying new things. But it doesn't change the fact that today and last night especially, I missed him.

And some part of me is angry, and some part of me is heartbroken, and some part of me is sad and upset. But I'm not going to let those parts define me and I'm not going to let those parts eat me up or eat up the good. Because what we had was special, and it would be so easy to trash, so easy to play the blame game, so easy to say the yucky things people say when they're hurt.

But I won't.

He deserves more than that.

Today, was a big day,

and today, I missed him so incredibly much.

But the bigger picture, if I choose to embrace the alternate instead of a chocolate pudding woe is me pity party, is that today, I learned what I could do.

I learned that the me that I am, and the me alone, was enough.

And that,

that made today, a great day.

Mmmm...lemonade.


Sent from my iPhone


"Your heart just breaks, that's all. But you can't judge, or point fingers. You just have to be lucky enough to find someone who appreciates you."

~Audrey Hepburn



Thursday, January 20, 2011

rachealkate.



Making a plan, decisions, and the infinite possibilities, they stir my soul and tempt and call. They scream pick me! pick me! pick me! They scream choices, choices, choices. They scream dream, dream, dream!

They scream, dream, of future of doing what I love and being open to the paths of the unknown and letting go. Growing, shaping, molding and twisting to break new ground, of hope, of exciting new adventures in a life I never imagined.

Of investing, of growing a career that was once just a whisper but is fast forwarding into a reality. Of color and pretty things, of mine and going to bat, of standing up and speaking out.

Taking place, it is all taking place, sometimes too fast and sometimes not fast enough. Learning, believing, having faith, holding on to the light.

Humbled with words of wisdom, sometimes a gentle push and other times a shove into going out of my comfort zone.

In awe and amazed at the God and rockstar ways everything has unfolded. Even the chronically optimist, half-full, life is unexpectedly beautiful, believer in me couldn't have planned this. This, this series of events have slowly unfolded to reveal and give peeks of something so much more. Retrospect is a brilliant and comforting thing, the surreal wonder in knowing that somehow I stumbled and clawed through into gaining these tools and building blocks is kinda crazy and insane.

And suddenly, it all makes sense.

An aha moment.

I can do this, I can do all of this, if I just believe.

Work on it Racheal, work on being, work on achieving, work on imagining, and build on it.

Do.

Sometimes, the hardest part is just taking the first step, and the perseverance of all the subsequent steps after.

A big thing, a defining moment. Sink or swim.

And this week and the week before and this month and this year and everything has been about this. About finding myself, about finding my passions, about letting go, about living life loud and proud and with no regrets. About not settling for good but going for magic.

Because it is in me, it is in me to make do and be content with good, or it is in me to fight, work hard, claw, go to bat for great.

And so I'm trying. I'm picking up pieces, hushing fears, taking chances, leaping.

I am moving forward, finding strength and courage and saying fuck yes.

So many things in the planning stages, so much setting up and groundwork, putting things into place to build a foundation. Tethering between not rushing but not holding back. I do that, I'm a planner and I love the safe and I double-check and triple-check, and sometimes, I talk myself out of things just because of the fear of failure bites me in the ass.

But when I am not, when I believe and when I have a little faith, magic happens. I look back and I see all the times I have just leapt before looking, I see that pure determination and will and no is not an answer and that passionate raw energy and I am grateful.

Somehow, God made me this way. Flawed, somewhat OCD, careful, but also strong, passionate, determined. God made me who I am, and I can choose to beat me down or I can choose to just embrace.

I think that's what v 2.11 is all about, embracing, enhancing, encouraging, but most of all, v 2.11 is about making magic.

About confronting the fears head on, about breaking or making it, about trying then trying again, about going out of comfort zones and having no regrets about life, about holding on and really living this one crazy beautiful perfect awesome life.

Despite everything.

Yes, that's it, despite everything.

I will choose to just dream.

But more than that, I will choose to act on it.

To leap.

To say,

I'm ready, God.



Sent from my iPhone



"Courage is tiny pieces of fear all glued together."
~Terri Guillemets


Monday, January 10, 2011

breathe.


I’m afraid of the crash, the inevitable crash that will come when my heart understands the hard decision my head made. The right decision, the needed decision, the justified, at-peace, honest decision I made.


I broke someone’s heart today, today I chose me. Today I chose my needs, today I chose to say that this wasn’t enough, that what we had and where our relationship was taking us, wasn’t enough. Today, I let an incredible, amazing, genuine, real, man-of-my-dreams, check-off-my-list, man go. Today, I realized and read and read and read again and again my words and knew, in my gut and in my soul, that this was the best decision for us right now. That despite everything, despite the soul-crushing, devastating, change in path and hurt, hurt, hurt, that this will cause, that I let someone amazing go because I needed to go find my light. Because I needed to believe in myself. Because I needed to believe in my dream.


I only have words, only a list of needs and wants, only a gut feeling of needing to walk away because this is not something I can fix. Not something I can control or organize, as much as I so desperately want to, we are both not where we need the other to be.


I need to get him. And I don’t, and I didn’t, until a friend played devil’s advocate and explained and explained the whys and the hows. I saw, and understood, and I get that he’s trying and he does have every good intention, I just needed him to be able to explain it to me. I needed him to be able to tell me all those things. I needed to connect, to find calm in the middle of the storm, to get on the same page, to communicate, to be heard, to be understood...with him.


And it is knowing that we can’t do that together, not at this point in time, that I am at peace with this decision. As hard as it is, it is knowing that we are very different people in very different stages of our lives with very different ways of handling things that we are missing each other. That we’re just not working.


But I will say, I will go to bat, I will fight and tell you it was all real. The love, the love was always real. And there’s a part of me that’s going to miss him so incredibly much, a side of my bed that will be empty, and an eight feet tall shower head, or a glass of sweet tea that will make my heart hurt for him. I know, that there are times that I will so desperately wish that we made it, that we worked it out, that we met in the middle and lived happily ever after. And I will grieve the future we hoped for, I will grieve all the things we wanted and our life that we had imagined.


I will grieve again and again.


And when it’s over, and when I am scared and panicked and alone, I will work on getting back up and doing it all over again. I will work on doing the hard work and staying true to myself and being honest. I will work on learning to be a better person, a better girlfriend, a better friend.


I will work on being the best that I can be.


And maybe he will too.


And maybe someday, we’ll meet again.


And maybe someday, it’ll work out then.


Breathe.



---



"It was my fault too. Did I remember to tell you that? Well, it was. I had a hand in this, I played a part in this, this falling out, this breaking apart, this choice. I had a part in it, and it was my fault too.


I got scared too.


I miss you already. I miss the parts of you that was so much a part of me. I miss the parts of you that I didn't even realize were there. I miss the parts of you that was a part of my past, my present, my future. I miss the wishes, and hopes, and dreams that was you, that was us, that was ours. I miss you.

And some part of me, the part of me that believes in fairy tales and happily ever afters, the part of me that loves chick flicks and happy endings, the part of me that is naive and silly and gets me into trouble, that part, that part wishes you came back.

That part wishes you said, I get it. I get it and I get you and I understand.

That part wishes you said, fuck no, we can do this, we can do us, and I believe us, and even if it's all kinds of crazy and hard and insane we're going to keep fighting anyway. I'm going to keep fighting anyway.


That part wishes you could be the man beneath all the layers of safe and guarded.

Because this part misses you. and this part realizes that you had everything in the world to be the one. You had all the things I needed and all the things I wanted buried deep within, I just needed you to take a chance, to trust me, to let go.


I just needed you to take a leap of faith.

So that, that is why we can't be together.

Because I'll always be here and you'll always be there. I'll always want something more and you'll always be happy to just be still.

The more I push, the more you'll pull back, the more I'm scared, the more you'll scare me, the more I'll need you, the more you'll disappear.

And in the back of my mind, in the whispers of my soul, I wish that someday you'll find me. I wish that someday, you'll grow and learn and get brave, and you'll be here,
and we will be unstoppable.


That years from now, after all this soul searching and imbalance and questioning is over, when we're more confident, more sure, more certain of who we are, what we want in life, and where we want to be, that we will find each other.

Because I see so much in you, I see the gentle and the kind and the real, I see the honest and the scared, scared, scared, and the stubborn and all the could be's.

But I can't live in a world of could be's.

Could be's get me in trouble.

I need the right now, my head knows this, my reality knows this.

I know it.

I just wish it was all so so different. "




"[A] final comfort that is small, but not cold: The heart is the only broken instrument that works."

~T.E. Kalem






Monday, January 3, 2011

Speaking out.

It's the things that I have no words for or the things that I struggle to give words to. It's the stuff I want to brush aside and throw a big, huge, heavy carpet over and pretend it is not there. It is that heavy silence of a white elephant in the room and the awkward tension that fizzles and cracks and pops right along it. It is our fears and our hurt feelings and our expectations all colliding together in a whirlpool of highly charged emotions with no outlet battling against each other. It is the love that lies underneath it all that screams out loud to be heard and it is that love that stops us from finding our words and saying the hard and doing the hard. Because it is that love and the fear of hurt feelings and the fear of confrontation that pulls us back from where we would so very like to be.

And so we do this dance of pretending and side-stepping and praying, hoping, wishing, so desperately that this too shall come to pass, and this too will work itself out. Faking it until you make it except it is a cacophony of noises and missed connections and lives slipping by and living separate lives.

I struggle, to keep the balance, keep afloat. Because deep down inside, I know, that this is not where I wanted to be, this, this is not the me that I wanted to be. I wanted to be real, I wanted to be honest, I wanted to live the life I had imagined and build those relationships and find those relationships and never settle, never settle, never settle.

So you take deep breaths, and suck in all the fake courage you can muster and the words come spilling, spilling out. And suddenly you find yourself in a tidal wave of words and fears and hurt feelings and expectations all rushing, fighting, pushing and battling it out to just come out. Tell your truth.

But you're afraid, oh god, you're so very afraid, of losing the person, of severing not mending the relationship, of saying too much or not at all or not being so coherent or patient or gentle or tactful like you wanted to be because as always, when emotions get thrown into the mix, it all gets a little messy.

There's a strong part in you, the part that craves for stability and order, the part that craves to be safe and secure, the part that craves for black and white, that just wants this to just be sterile and white washed and organized. Emotionless, heartless, stay disconnected because disconnected people don't get hurt. Stay focused, be hard on yourself, find those checklists, and for godsakes, quit going by your gut and your heart and by how you feel.

But there's the other part, the lining of your soul that whispers, get dirty, get mad, be passionate, love, love, love. The part that takes all these battle wounds and say look at these scars, I mean really, look at them...they are beautiful and they are yours and they make you, you. These scars speak of amazing lessons learned and of courage and strength. These scars are the depths of your soul fighting fighting fighting to be true, to bask in the light, to be authentic and honest and real. These scars are an adoption into an inner circle of compassion and love, forgiveness and peace, kindness and grace. So live, for godsakes, live and don't fear the scars. Live and let go. Let go. Let go.

Love.





"Do work with all your heart and you will succeed."

~Elbert Hubbard



Soul food.


Worked on the decals in my room on New Year's day, a reminder that Life is Beautiful.


I remember why I came home, and I remember why this is so hard. I remember the lessons, I remember the little things, I remember to breathe.

And sometimes, it's so very hard. Especially when you least expect it. Because grief does that, it hits you unexpectedly and repeatedly, it sucks the air out of your lungs and suddenly, you're afraid, you're hurting, you're scared, you're devastated...all over again. It's hard to tell your heart the things your head knows. Like to be gentle with yourself, to forgive, to accept, to allow, to not beat yourself up for this moment of vulnerability.

To whisper, that it's okay to cry. Let go.

Embrace the moment, the hard parts, the parts that will break you but make so much more room to grow.

I thought I had the holidays in the bag, a ninja warrior, this time, this year, it would be different.

Because that was nineteen months ago. And all the healing, all the love, all the grace...surely, surely that would be enough.

It's the part where I have to let go of what and where I thought would be and embracing what it is, that is the hardest.

I grieve that dream.

Because I was so sure, so sure before it all happened that I knew exactly where I was heading and where I would be.

It was a video, of a little blonde girl opening up her presents on Christmas day that did it.

It was a new year, the looking back and the pressure to move forward that sucked me into that murky place of the unknown. The possibility, the insecurities, the desperate hope.

It was hard conversations of honest raw emotions and confronting the ugly.

It was saying, I am going to do better...and then actually having to do it. Having to speak out.
Of change, of having to say I will not be complacent and I will not be quiet about it, I will not hide, I will not pretend it's okay when it's not, I will not let it all happen again.

I will not let him happen again.

For so long after it happened, the intense emotion that kept on replaying and the thought bubble that screamed again and again was just the feeling of having felt so violated and that I let it happen.

And I was so angry, so angry and devastated and heartbroken for so long that when I moved to this place of forgiveness and healing and love, it was like night and day.

I could finally see what I so desperately longed to see.

The light at the end of the tunnel.

Friends are like soul food and I am so thankful, so grateful for the opportunities and the friendships and the people that help me find my center again.

The people that don't make me feel stupid for crying about feeling so incredibly vulnerable or heartbroken for the dreams that didn't pan out or for the life that I didn't live.

I am grateful for "the circle of no judgement".

I am grateful for honesty.
Even the brutal kind.

But most of all, I'm just grateful that I am here. Accepting. Acknowledging. Processing.

"Live! Don't settle! Grieve."

They are the voices in my head that fight back with love when I am at my least.

The ones that make me believe that I can do it.

I can do this. I can do this living and healing and moving on.

I can forgive and let go and stand up and fight back.

I can challenge the scared parts of me that want the easy and the comfortable and the lets-just-please-settle.

Thank you for listening to me process and whine and figure it out, even if the six hundred and seventy second time you've heard me.


"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined."

~Henry David Thoreau