Monday, December 20, 2010

Waiting outside the lines.

I've played this six thousand times. It is such a beautiful rendition and makes my soul feel all these things that I have no words for. Only tears, only affirmation, only the courage and strength to silence the six thousand and seventy two fears.

Holidays are hard and magical all at the same time. The closing of another chapter, another year, and I have learned so much. 2010 has been incredible, 2010 has been so special and crazy and absolutely terrifying but more than anything, 2010 was filled with healing, with love, with forgiveness.

There are many many lessons. Lessons that my words won't do justice, but that need to be reaffirmed. To be said out loud, to be reminded at a later date in time of how incredibly special this year was.

2009 was filled with so much heartache and devastation, 2009 was painful and scary and a constant land mine of emotions and shock and all the hard, hard, difficult things. 2009 gave birth to 2010 and was the catharsis, the yucky that needed to happen.

I don't know that I will ever want to relive 2009 again but yet I also know that I am thankful that it happened. I am grateful for all the things I discovered and learned in 2009, about myself, about the amazing people around me, about the sometimes yucky parts of life and people, about faith and heartache, about how you can love a child and the lengths that that love will take you to fiercely protect like your own. I learned that sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you can fail. I learned that sometimes marriages aren't forever and sometimes, bad things just happen. I learned humility, I learned to be humble, I learned to say "I don't know".

But 2010? 2010 I learned to laugh again. To feel joy in my soul, to be at peace in my heart. I learned to be still, to listen, to be okay with exactly where I was at. I learned to really appreciate all the little things, the little wins, the little moments, the little details that are so easy to look over.

I learned to forgive, I learned that grieving is a process not a destination, I learned to live again. To live loud, to live proud, to live without regrets. I learned what it meant to live so you can be proud of who you are at the end of the day and the decisions and choices you made.

I learned to leap, to stand by faith and sometimes, even when it was only on faith alone. I learned to love genuinely and make relationships that matter, that count. I learned to value my friendships and and my family in a whole new different light, I learned that what you say and how you make someone feel matters.

But more than that I learned to embrace me, the ugly the yucky the good. I learned things about myself I didn't know and I learned things about myself that I didn't want to know. I learned about "the hardwork", I learned about resolution, I learned about reclaiming. I learned to love me. To choose me. To pick me.

I learned that choosing to love myself didn't make me selfish or a horrible person.

I learned that choosing to love myself made me a better lover, a better friend, a better daughter, a better child of God.

I learned to let someone in again, to differentiate fears and gut feelings, to differentiate mistakes and not letting your baggage get in the way of life. I learned to say I don't know everything and I learned to be okay with it, I learned to be a partner, I learned to be a friend, I learned to say please respect me and my choices, please respect my body and who I am, I learned to say please fight fair. I learned to make healthier choices and to work it out. I learned to say these are the things that I need from you and these are the things that I want, I learned to say these are the things I can work with and these are the things I can't. I learned big incredible lessons sometimes come in tiny packages. Like stinky moisturizer.

I learned that I didn't need to change who I was in order to be loved.

I didn't need to silence myself or change the way I dressed or looked or my beliefs.

I learned that there was so much to be learned in being still.

So thank you 2010, for teaching me to be patient. For teaching me to wait outside the lines, to observe, to see the rainbow after the storm. The bigger picture.

To leap.

I'm waiting outside the lines, but more than that, I've had more courage, more inspiration, more self-believe than ever in 2010 to say, I can do it. I can do this and I can be me and I can dream.

I can dream.