Sunday, August 22, 2010

Mending.

I'm looking for closure, for words, for a place to put my feelings and thoughts...to be filed away, to be said out loud then secured into a safe place. I'm looking for healing, for mending, for a place to be grateful, to be honest, to say all the things I don't say out loud. The fears, the ugly moments, the moments where insecurity and being blindsided collide in a catastrophic spectacle of being hurt and struggling to find the ground beneath you.

So much happened this week, so much happened and it was a week packed to the brim with so so many intense highs and lows. A week of transitions and adjustments, a week of hard lessons and such happy proud moments, a week of loving, healing, hurting, hiding, coping....a week of breathing in and out then in again.

It is hard to define the challenge of being lost. The slow slow snail pace transition of adapting and redefining a new normal. I'm grieving, in some sense, for the things and people and the places I have left behind. I crave for this safe place. I crave for my independence and the security in knowing. In knowing just who I am here, in knowing my surroundings, in figuring out the people and the friendships and the intricate change of the new and the different and the adapting.

How do you describe what it's like to be in two different places at once, a part of me so excited to be home and another part desperately ready to be at a place I know.

Is it possible to be so happy but so sad at the same time? Is it possible to be home but so incredibly homesick for another home so far away? How do you really define this feeling? I've been trying and trying to find the perfect way to describe this transition but words fail me, I miss. I miss so very much and deeply and badly. I miss and miss and miss, in a sad melancholic lump-in-my-throat-bite-back-the-tears way. I miss my best friend, and my safe place, and my cupcake store, and our lunch dates, and my loving crazy awesome surrogate family. I miss friday nights with friends in stupid dingy hookah bars, and The Bachelor dates with the girls, and driving and stupid silly stinky Sylar and a little big girl that started 4th grade this week. I miss Target and Cache and TJMaxx and I miss going into a store unembarassed, unassuming, unknowing to even be worried to ask if they have my size. I miss being normal, and a regular, and a local. I miss knowing exactly who I am in a crowd, I miss being completely secure in the decisions and choices I have had to made, I miss just being.

This week has probably been the hardest.

This week stripped me and knocked me down just a little, this week, I took punches and bruises, this week, I fell apart just a little. Questioned, swallowed a mouth full of insecurity and let my confidence take a beating. This week, I let different people make me believe that I was less than I was.

This week, I let someone make me feel fat and ugly.

This week, I let someone make me feel dumb and stupid.

This week, I let someone make me feel like a failure.

This week, I got just vulnerable enough to let someone hurt me with insensitive words.

But the difference is, I know that this week, I let them.

I allowed them to make me feel that way.

I am better than this. I have worked hard hard hard to be better than this. I have worked enough to know that this is a journey, a transition of sorts, bumpy and rough at times. That this period, this moment of blinding vulnerability is part and parcel of defining a new normal. That most of all, this falling back is pivotal to moving forward.

But more than that,

This week, I will forgive myself for letting someone make me feel fat and ugly.

I will forgive myself for letting someone make me feel dumb and stupid.

I will forgive myself for letting someone make me feel like a failure.

I will forgive myself for being just vulnerable enough to let them hurt me with their insensitive words.

And in that, I will forgive them.

This week, I will choose to learn this precious lesson. This week I will take the shattered pieces of my pride and guard it fiercely. I will try harder at mending these broken relationships without letting it break me. I will learn to say no thank you, I will learn to stand up for myself, I will learn to speak up instead of run. I will learn not to beat myself up for the things I should or should not have done, the things I should or should not have said, the decisions I should or should not have made.

I will choose to just be. I will choose to kick ass. I will choose to laugh, and appreciate, and be grateful. I will choose to learn, I will choose to not be bitter, I will choose to be better than this.

But more than that, more than anything else,

I will choose to move forward.


Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.

~Leo Buscaglia