Monday, August 30, 2010

How do you say...?

working it out: 1

I'm watching my friends' marriages completely fall apart. Crash and burn. I see them hurt and claw through the darkness, and my heart is so incredibly broken for them. I wish I had all the perfect words to comfort, I wish I knew just exactly what to say that was eloquent and would make sense, something that would convey just how much I love them and just how unbroken they are.

I want to sit with them in the darkness and hold them as they cry. As they feel every fiber in their being hurt, hold them so tight and convince them that their world isn't falling apart. I want to be angry with them, I want to grieve their shattered hopes and dreams, I want to remind them you are beautiful, you are stronger than you think you are, you are loved.

I want to remind them that it is safe to fall apart, I want to remind them that this burden, this need to keep your shit together is unfair. I want to say, do what you need to do.

Grieve.

Hurt.

Deny.

Get Angry.

Sob.

Scream.

Fall Apart.

it's okay, it's okay, it's okay.

Just don't forget to come back into the light, just don't forget that there are so many people behind you, next to you, ready to be there when you are. This, this is just a bump, a life lesson, a fork in the road that will take you to some place so special if you let it.

I want to say, this does not define you. Do not be embarrassed by this and do not let anyone else make you feel lesser for this. Your story is yours to keep, your truth is important only to you, tell it if you want to, scream it from the rooftops with details or bask in the privacy that this is your right to not have to say anything. This is your journey, and yours alone. It is up to you to tell the story, it is up to you to define it.

...this is such a hard sucky way of finding out who you are and what you are made of. This period, these hard, hurtful, devastating emotions are a special kind of hell-on-earth. It feels like you're the only one and you are so lost, so confused, so exhausted. So done. I want to say, I'm here. I want to say, I believe in you, but more than that I know with all my heart that there's a bigger picture. There is sunshine after the storm. That this is the yucky awful bridge that will take you to where you want to be. Where you're hoping to be. Where you're begging to be.

It can happen.

Really and truly.

But I can't say that. I can't say that because it's like a slap in the face. I can't say it because sometimes, the hard things, the promises, the "there is a silver lining, this happened for a reason, it's all going to be okay" might not be what they can or want to hear at the moment.

I remember that when everything was falling apart and people kept on telling me how "good" this was, I wanted to slap someone. I wanted to say are you fucking kidding me? I wanted to say take it back, I don't want the lesson, I can't see the lesson, I don't understand the bloody lesson. I can't hear you, I don't get it so please please don't tell me this happened for a reason because right now? Right now, I don't get it, right now, I'm just trying to get through the next minute, and maybe the next 5 after that. And then maybe I'll get through 15 mins, and eventually an hour. And someday, someday maybe I'll be able to go through a whole day without falling apart but for right now, right now, I am completely and totally overwhelmed and I have no words. So please please don't tell me that this losing my marriage, losing my identity, losing what feels like everything to me in this moment, is a good thing.

So I don't know what to say.

I don't know how to say, I believe in the happy without rubbing it in their face. I don't know how to say, I was there once, I was once at that dark dark place of confusion and sadness, I was once so incredibly broken and hurt and there were days that felt like forever, and there were days where it was so hard to keep the faith but that I am here. I am here and it is beautiful and I believe in you and I know you can do it. I can see, from the other side, all the good that can come out of this.

I don't know how to say that I'm sure that these decisions were not made lightly. I'm sure that this was in no one's fault. You don't have to explain, you don't have to hide. I know the person that you are, I know the incredible, loving, amazing, friend that you are. This was just where life took you and this was the road that you had to take for you. This was the healthy, this was the grown-up, this was the "right" wrong thing.

I get it, I get it so please please stop beating yourself up.

I believe in marriage. I still do. I believe in the sanctity of marriage. I believe in trying and trying and trying again. I believe in fighting for a marriage, in respecting and honoring your vows. But I also believe in making the healthy choice. Making the right choice that is needed at that time. I believe that sometimes, people change, people grow apart, people become unhealthy for each other. I believe that sometimes, marriages just fall apart. Sometimes, something special can become toxic, sometimes hard choices are made to preserve, to protect. Sometimes, life just happens and sometimes, marriage isn't forever.

I'm not judging.

I love you, just for you. I love you in the ugly, in the yucky, in the sad. I love you in the happy, and the laughy, and the crazy delirious awesome.

I'm not choosing sides. I love the both of you. I love the both of you and I refuse to choose sides. I refuse to say who was right or who was wrong because I don't know what happened. This is not my judgement to make, this is not my decision to make, this is not for me to pit one side against each other.

I love you both.

And I'm so so sorry.

I'm sorry that two couples that I love so dearly and have so much respect for are having to go through this yucky ugly thing. And I know that you're trying, I know that you're probably sick of trying and sometimes it slips. Sometimes, we just make mistakes. Sometimes, it's just ugly. This is ugly. It's messy. It's sad.

Let's call it for what it is.

It's ugly.

But I also know that this is a new beginning. This is a beginning that in no way disregards the past. This is the beginning of healing, of discovering, of independence.

This is the beginning to the rest of the new you.

This beginning, no matter how hard and awful and terrible it began, is still a beginning.

In the end, you decide.

I love you, and I love you too much to let you hurt alone.

I'm here,

whenever you need me.

How? How do I say all that eloquently? Precise? Not in six thousand and seventy two overwhelming words?


after winter comes the summer.
after night comes the dawn.
and after every storm, there comes clear open skies.

-samuel rutherford.