Thursday, July 15, 2010

up in the air.

I watched the sun rise, somewhere in between Los Angeles and Taipei and my heart is so full, so overwhelmed, so grateful for these experiences. The last couple of weeks a blur, years of memories crammed into days of celebrating friendships and independence. I’m coming home, momma, and it’s been an amazing awesome journey.

Eight years of learning to grow up, eight years of so many lessons of heartache and joy and maturity, eight years of learning to tough it out, learning to be independent, learning to come a full circle. This experience, this moment of immense gratitude and peace, will not have come without the woven tapestries and stories of the last eight years.

I am blessed. I have been blessed by this experience, my life story richer, my perspective broader, my soul so much more intricately bond to my friends and family and the amazing love that transpires between these relationships. I have learned to be humble, I have been broken down, betrayed, torn apart, kicked and stomped...but I have also been enriched, overjoyed, overwhelmed with experiences that I have only hoped for.

I have seen my friends rally around me, our bond tested, tried, and true. I have known the unconditional love of a child, and what it feels like to protect, provide, nourish and nurture like your own. I have seen God’s amazing brilliance in the things that have come together, I have learned to trust His wisdom, His time, His understanding and purpose for the things that happen and to let it unfold as it should. My faith has been tested and stretched in ways that I never knew I could, at times, so utterly convinced that there was no way possible that this band could possibly go anymore, than surprised and thankful when it does.

I have felt my God carry me, and I have felt the beauty of the peace that comforts a broken, hurting soul. I have learned to surrender to the higher power but I have also learned to fight back, fight fair, fight for myself. I have learned to stand up for the things that I believe in. I have learned that I have a voice, a position and I have learned to hold tight to my values.

I have worked hard, hard, hard at forgiving past hurts, forgiving myself. I have worked hard, hard, hard, at peeling off the many complex layers, scratching to the raw core of it, and starting over. Of allowing myself to start again, of forgiving myself, of being realistic, of being brutally honest and talking about the very many things I ran from. I have learned to be my own person, to take responsibility, to be accountable, to grow. I have renewed friendships and vows, I have learned a whole new perspective and drive for the things that I want in my life and the people that I want in it.

I have renewed beautiful bonds and ties with family that transverse far beyond the continents or oceans. I have learned just how strong the ties of family mean. I have been comforted, carried, cared for by people that love me no matter what and I am coming home. I am returning to the things that I knew from before, and while I am also absolutely terrified of the things that I do not know, I am also incredibly excited about this decision. To return back to my roots, to come home, to put my wings on and learn to fly.

I have learned to trust again. I have learned to love again. I have learned just how incredibly happy it can be when it is right and true and honest. I have learned to love the simple, the honest, the little things. I have learned that it’s not always the grand or the big or the opulent that make a difference, sometimes, it is just simply in the way they love you.

I have learned that I am my own person. I have learned to power of independence. Of learning to be alone. I have learned that even if this relationship fails, if it falls apart. That I am okay and that I will survive. I might be sad, I might be crushed, but I know that it will not break me. I know that I can heal, I know that I can get back up again, I know what I am made of.

There are good people out there, there are nice, incredible, sweet, real people. But more than that, there are people, that can come from broken backgrounds with stories that will amaze you and still be unstoppable. It’s not the past that you blame, it’s not the things that happened or didn’t happen, it’s not just the, it is so much more. It is the individual, and some will do good, and some will do bad, but do not let the past define you.

I have learned to forgive the very things I thought were once so unforgivable. I have learned to let go of the betrayal, the anger, the hurt caused. I have learned what it means to truly let go, I have learned what it means to say it’s over. It’s done with. I have grieved, I have processed, I have come to terms and understood and made peace with it.

I realize that this will always be a part of me, and there are many things that I will still look back at and be sad about but I will not let it hold me back. I realize now that the many many reasons that led me here, led me to the decisions that were made. The things I feared, the things I didn’t know how to confront, didn’t know how to process, didn’t know how to put words into...and now I have tools, now I have the ability to say I can do this, I will do this.

This, this is important and I will not let myself cheat myself out of this growth process, I will learn from these mistakes, I will learn from the past, I will learn and it will be hard and painful and so so incredibly crazy at times, but it’s worth it.

I’m worth it.

I have done so many things I thought I would never do and I am grateful for these experiences. So incredibly grateful, and it is this gratitude that will carry me in the next couple of days as I transition into a whole new normal. It is this love, this incredible love that surrounds me that will comfort me when I am scared, and terrified, and unsure. It’s these lessons that I’ve learned about myself, the bits and pieces of me that I know that are true and honest that I will use as a moral compass to make good decisions.

And I will struggle, as the culture shock explodes in my face and I try to find my place on this side of the world. But I’m going to try, and at the end of the day, if I’ve failed miserably, if I’ve been discouraged and scared and unsure, I will hold close the ones beside me, I will find my safe place and hug and scream and laugh and cry, and at the end of the day, I will try, then try again.

I have great people behind me, I have great people beside me, and I have great people before me,

I am blessed.

I am loved.

I am happy.

...I am going home.

“Welcome Home.” *

"Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes, it is letting go."


*When you fly Malaysian Airlines, right as you touch down on home ground, the pilot always announces “welcome home” in Malay and Chinese and English. This makes me cry every time.