Thursday, June 24, 2010

Sweet Ass Faith.

I called her, after. Fingers shaking, heart pounding out of my chest, needing to tear apart and analyze and be reassured. We met, in a little bar, a favorite...nothing like a strong drink at three in the afternoon. She said, take a picture. Remember this moment. And I thought, why in the hell would I want to to remember this moment?!? But I did it anyway. And she was Right.This, this is the day, it finally ended and everything began.

For a long time, I was so afraid I would lose who I was, my optimism, my positivity, my love for the little things. I was afraid I had lost my light, my beacon of sunshine and rainbows, my ability to smile like there was no tommorow or burst out laughing so hard I made funny sounds or just be simply easily amused. I was afraid that my spirit was crushed, the core of who I was torn and that I would be always so lost, so heartbroken, so cynical and angry forever.

So tonight, tonight as I lay my head down and see just how incredibly blessed I am, I see the bigger picture. I see God's amazing hand in the friendships I have built, the relationships that have been tested and strengthened. I see the bigger picture...and I so completely get it.

Tonight I can acknowledge how important it was to break, to fall, to be shook to my rebuild. Because I appreciate so much more, I appreciate the definition of family and friendship, I appreciate what it means to love and be loved, I appreciate the little things I never saw before, never knew existed, things that were never tested or tried.

I'm at peace with the things that happened...I have forgiven, I have worked through, I have come to accept and move on and let go. But more than that, I am excited, excited for the things to come and the journey and all of the many many lessons that this will take me.

I wrote tonight of the decision to come home, of taking a year off to find myself, of praying and believing, of finding faith and trusting. I wrote of healing and loving again, of being excited and nervous at the same time, of being true to who I was and listening.

A year and a half ago, I thought I was happy, fulfilled. And the rug was pulled beneath me, I questioned, I cried, I was devastated and I wanted to know why? What now? How did this happen? How could this happen?

Tonight, I sift through hundreds of pictures of the "and everything after", an album of memories and how far I've come, of the love, the sacrifices, the joy. Each shot, a reminder of the emotions at that time, a marker. And I am blessed. I am so so very blessed.

I didn't know happy then, I didn't know blessed then, I didn't even really know much of everything then.

So tonight, as I prepare to go to bed, as we talk and crackbook and Twitter I realize, despite everything, I haven't lost me. I haven't lost the things I was so afraid I would.

It's taken a while but I'm here. I'm still me. I still believe and am sunshiney happy happy joy joy me.

And that, that is pretty freaking sweet.

Sent from my iPhone

"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly."