Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Have you seen my words?



I vary between conflicting extremes of being so overwhelmed, so grateful, so heartbroken, and a host of other emotions that don't quite have words. It is easy, then hard, then sometimes paralyzing to think of the huge, monumental, incredibly big changes to come.

I am scared, I am nervous, I am excited, I am ready, I am terribly unprepared, I am stoked, I am sad, I am grateful, I am at peace, I am procrastinating, I am...well, a lot of things at the moment.

I have a laundry list of things to do but at the top, is spending some much needed time with friends before I leave and enjoying the moments. It's been a journey, and this journey is going out with a pop and a sizzle and a bang!

There are so many things I want to write about and share but in between savoring my last precious days with the people I love deeply doing all sorts of fun and crazy things that are uniquely from this area (I may or may not have gone to the waterpark 3 times this month with different groups of friends and have had a freaking blast each and every time!), there isn't much time to sit and organize my thoughts.

I'm also somewhat of a slow processor, it takes me a while to figure it all out in my head before I can give it words. Case in point, this beautiful amazing fun-filled crazy last weekend in kc. Six hours after getting back in, completely exhausted and delirious, I'm turning into bed so incredibly overwhelmed and grateful and as I whisper I love you to the sleeping boy. He whispers back I love you too and the floodgates open. I'm not talking a tear, I'm talking a rush of sobs and fragile emotions and what in the world was that?!?

So yeah, it's a little overwhelming at the moment. I hurt that I will miss so much but am so thankful for all the love and good wishes. It's a pretty little conundrum, I am so so excited to take this flight home yet a part of me is also so sad to leave. I leave behind not only my friends, but I leave behind this moment, this place in time of such happiness and friendships but take with me all the memories. I'm positive I could have worded that better but again, it's hard to put things into words when you're still trying to figure it all out yourself.

So for now, there's more hanging out, more shopping, more packing, more mundane errands and tweeting and crackbooking and avoiding.

:P

\

"People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

-Maya Angelou

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Sweet Ass Faith.



I called her, after. Fingers shaking, heart pounding out of my chest, needing to tear apart and analyze and be reassured. We met, in a little bar, a favorite...nothing like a strong drink at three in the afternoon. She said, take a picture. Remember this moment. And I thought, why in the hell would I want to to remember this moment?!? But I did it anyway. And she was Right.This, this is the day, it finally ended and everything began.

For a long time, I was so afraid I would lose who I was, my optimism, my positivity, my love for the little things. I was afraid I had lost my light, my beacon of sunshine and rainbows, my ability to smile like there was no tommorow or burst out laughing so hard I made funny sounds or just be simply easily amused. I was afraid that my spirit was crushed, the core of who I was torn and that I would be always so lost, so heartbroken, so cynical and angry forever.

So tonight, tonight as I lay my head down and see just how incredibly blessed I am, I see the bigger picture. I see God's amazing hand in the friendships I have built, the relationships that have been tested and strengthened. I see the bigger picture...and I so completely get it.

Tonight I can acknowledge how important it was to break, to fall, to be shook to my core..to rebuild. Because I appreciate so much more, I appreciate the definition of family and friendship, I appreciate what it means to love and be loved, I appreciate the little things I never saw before, never knew existed, things that were never tested or tried.

I'm at peace with the things that happened...I have forgiven, I have worked through, I have come to accept and move on and let go. But more than that, I am excited, excited for the things to come and the journey and all of the many many lessons that this will take me.

I wrote tonight of the decision to come home, of taking a year off to find myself, of praying and believing, of finding faith and trusting. I wrote of healing and loving again, of being excited and nervous at the same time, of being true to who I was and listening.

A year and a half ago, I thought I was happy, fulfilled. And the rug was pulled beneath me, I questioned, I cried, I was devastated and I wanted to know why? What now? How did this happen? How could this happen?

Tonight, I sift through hundreds of pictures of the "and everything after", an album of memories and how far I've come, of the love, the sacrifices, the joy. Each shot, a reminder of the emotions at that time, a marker. And I am blessed. I am so so very blessed.

I didn't know happy then, I didn't know blessed then, I didn't even really know much of everything then.

So tonight, as I prepare to go to bed, as we talk and crackbook and Twitter I realize, despite everything, I haven't lost me. I haven't lost the things I was so afraid I would.

It's taken a while but I'm here. I'm still me. I still believe and am sunshiney happy happy joy joy me.

And that, that is pretty freaking sweet.


Sent from my iPhone







"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly."

-Unknown

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Home.



I watched his dad, so proud, so overjoyed, so at peace, to bring his son home. So much said without words. That pride, that sense of belonging, that immense depth of love that knows no words...I understood, as I watched, the weaving of emotions and the display of what it means to be called your own.

How do you describe the love? What it means to be loved so incredibly much? To be wanted so incredibly much? To be protected so incredibly much?

I called home. In the middle of another festival, another tradition of grandkids calling home and passing the phone to every single relative. An overwhelming experience. My big tough strong uncle who cried as soon as he knew, my grandma who's counting down the days, my mom and dad who have probably told everyone they know and then some more.

And so I made plans, to fish with my uncle for the very first time, a promise he made so long ago when my world was falling apart. The promise he made that brought so much comfort, not in the words or the actions but by the emotion behind it, the understanding. Come home he said, and so I am. I'm coming home and he's making good on his promise.

I made plans to build furniture(?!?), to do things I would normally never do, to explore, to live a little, to go above and beyond my comfort zone.

I made plans with my grandma to stay, to have her close and to go out and do all our favorite things together. To be there for her, to love on her, to entertain her.

I made plans with my aunts, who make delicious and fabulous dishes. They inquired and prepared and made a mental checklist. Sweet and sour ribs? Crab in sixteen different sauces? Noodles? Prawns? Asam fish? What else? What else? And I laughed and laughed as they threw out all of my favorite things, because I was so deprived, wasting away. It made me chuckle as they went round and round naming all the different foods because as one of us, as part of this family, you know that we are definitely fed. We are loved passionately and so deeply, and there's no denying that.

My mom, who is so incredibly excited and probably has my schedule planned well into the next six years, of holidays and elaborate dinners, of shopping excursions and mother-daughter things. The intimacy, a bond nothing else can come close. I have missed this, I have missed her.

My dad, who started looking at new houses as soon as I said I was coming home. The prodigal daughter returns and damn straight he's going to make sure there's room. He's quiet, but don't let the silence fool you, the silence roars. I laugh at the outlandishness of all of it, because really, we have three floors, how many more rooms do we need? But most of all, I am touched by his understanding. I am incredibly floored and humbled that he respects my need for space, my need for mine to be my own. I get it, I get it completely but more than that, it's that he gets me. I am not a guest, I am his daughter, and his daughter will have her room, her space. Without talking about it, he has understood, that it is pivotal for me to make decisions, to make this my own. I asked for just a room, to be able to decorate it how I wanted, to be able to claim it, to have some semblance of control in the chaos that will happen but he went far and beyond that. I love him, I love the way he loves me, this act of love, floors me. This act of love, makes me so incredibly proud to call him my dad. But what's better is knowing that even if he didn't, I would still be so proud to call him my dad.

And my brother, my koko, who has these elaborate and crazy plans on how we will conquer the world together. I have missed him, and I am so excited to get to know him better, to live together again for the first time in ten years, to just be that sister that just thinks the world of him and yet be able to prove myself, be able to make him proud, be able to work together. He has always been my hero, we have always respected and admired our individuality. The reason why we are great together is because we are so different. Yin and Yang. We may fight, and we may have drag out knock down fights and have completely different opinions, him the sensibility and me the heart, but at the end of the day, I know he's got my back and you're damn right I've got his.

I may be a grown woman, I have lived on my own for a long time and I may have moved across the world and have my heart completely smashed and be jaded and scarred and rebuilt. I may have had all these experiences and come full circle but I will always be their little girl. I will always be tachel or riecher or aputita or yowser or mei mei or so chiun or ra-ch-eal.

I have fought so hard to get here. I am scared and excited and overwhelmed about what's to come but I know I am also so incredibly blessed to have family. A safe place to land. A place to called my own.

"Other things may change us but we start and end with family.” -

Anthony Brandt


Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Closure.



I wrote a year ago...stringing words into sentences. An email unsent. So angry at that time, so betrayed and devastated. Raw. I knew I had to put my feelings into words, to say the things I couldn't say. To find some semblance of peace, to start healing.

A year later, I wrote another email unsent. I wrote of letting go and moving on. Needing to say it out loud, to say I forgive you, to say I forgive myself. I wrote to find closure. Finally content, finally okay with never really saying anything at all. Resolved internally and finally at peace.

And ironically, this came in my mailbox the next day.

To begin, let me just say that I hope that you are happy and well. I know that I am probably the last person that you wish to hear from, but you were always so kind and genuine to me, that I know that you deserve this. I am, from the bottom of my heart, so very sorry for what you went through last spring. I'm sorry that I wasnt there for you, and I'm sorry that I didn't warn you about what was happening. At the time, I thought that I was making the right decision by keeping my mouth shut, but now that we are no longer speak to J, it is so obvious how wrong I was to just stand by, and watch you get hurt. I am not expecting you to forgive me for any of this. I'm not even expecting you to reply. I just know that you deserve a proper apology and that this was something that I without a doubt had to do. I hope that you are blessed with all of the happiness and love in your life that you can handle and I hope that your friends always prove to be much higher quality than me. You are such a sweet, warm, talented person and i thank you for all of the kindness you showed me. Warmest Regards, C

I spent an hour writing and rewriting a reply.

Overwhelmed.

Relieved.

So many things at once, but not sure exactly what to say or how to say it.

So I said thank you. So I told her how much it meant to me.

And the next day, we talked for an hour. Resolving, finding closure, a host of unanswered questions finally answered.

It was good, so good for my soul and for my heart. Forgiveness is beautiful but more than that, the closure, the resolution, knowing that this was my final piece and what I needed to close this chapter was so incredibly awesome.

I needed this.

And this, this was great.



"You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well."

Unknown